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The Walken.

I’m going to introduce a new concept here that will affect how I rate films. It’s called the “Walken.” Look at a Walken like an x-factor. I’ve aptly named it a Walken because often if you see a film and it has Christopher Walken in it, it’s immediately more interesting than one without. He just makes things better. Is True Romance at all memorable if Christopher Walken isn’t in it? No. Who is involved in arguably the funniest SNL skit of all time? You guessed it — Christopher Walken (and if you don’t know what skit I’m talking about, I reject you as a reader of this site.)

Joe Dirt? Ok, that’s already an awesome film. But Christopher Walken just makes it that much better. Mousehunt? Really? Mousehunt? I’m going there? Yes, I am. Walken plays an eccentric exterminator who goes insane trying to catch a mouse, but ultimately fails. He sniffs excrement. He talks into a tape recorder like he’s profiling a serial killer. You can’t make this stuff up. Shit, actually you can. Who else can play that role but Christopher Walken? No one else makes it memorable. NO ONE. And if you try to tell yourself otherwise, you’re an idiot. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is.

So I hope you get the point. If you don’t, then you simply need more Walken in your life. But that’s what I am here for. And this is exactly why I’ve created the Walken factor. So how will I implement this into reviews? Well, to start, Walkens won’t come easy. The basic criteria is to ask yourself, if I removed this character/aspect from the film, how is it affected? Would I watch this again simply because of how many Walkens it has?

Finally, a film can receive a maximum of 10 Walkens. But again, it’s not that simple, and just because a film doesn’t have any Walkens, doesn’t mean it’s not good. Many won’t.

Let’s take Bad Lieutenant with The Cage. I think it’s pretty obvious who gets credit for Walkens here. And for my inaugural Walken assignment, I’ve decided to award Nicholas Cage 5 Walkens. You take out Cage’s performance and you’ve got such a mudane, run of the mill, detective story. But Cage is out of his mind and it’s awesome. I also think it’s appropriate that I’ve chosen Cage to receive the inaugural Walken rating because a point could be made for this system to be named after Cage himself. He’s just as crazy as Walken, does just as many bad movies, and is equally as awesome in as many bad movies as good. You may not agree, but this is my site and I make the rules.

Congratulations, Nicholas Cage, on your reception of 5 Walkens.

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  1. Doug
    11.29.2009 at 3:27 pm

    I give Keanu Reeves 9 1/2 Walkens in “The Replacements”

    • 11.29.2009 at 3:41 pm

      I disagree. In “The Replacements,” I would give 1 Walken to Jon Favreau. No one else gets a Walken there.

  2. Uncle Jim
    11.29.2009 at 4:16 pm

    I’ve decided although I like the Walken Idea, being from a different generation, I will institute the Wayne after one of the greatest Hollywood Icons of all time. John “The Duke” Wayne. I may even go as far as call them “Dukes” John Wayne who won the Academy award for a truly manly performance in True Grit gets 10 of 10 Dukes for that and Big Jake. As far as an example I will give them to leading Hollywood actors of this time who have some Cojones . Bruce Willis in Die Hard, 9 of 10 Dukes, Russell Crowe 10 of 10 Dukes in Gladiator, Mel Gibson 10 of 10 Dukes in Braveheart, Gerard Butler in 300 10 of 10 Dukes. These are the standards for the kick ass leading men of this time period. Bring on the opinions.

  3. 01.3.2010 at 1:09 pm

    Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

    • 01.3.2010 at 2:13 pm

      I agree, Reseller Hosting, whomever you may be. Thanks for the comment.

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